Legal Disclaimer: We don’t own the characters in this story that appear in the hit syndicated TV show, Xena: Warrior Princess, such as Xena, Gabrielle, Eve, Virgil, etc. I do own, however the characters that do not appear in the series, such Princess Penelope and Claire.
Other Disclaimers:
Sex: Implied, kissing
Violence: Yes
Potty Mouth: Mild
Chapter One: Sweet Confusion
"…and with the king listed as an ally under my name, I will have total control of his kingdom and army! Mwahahahaha!"
"You’ll never get away with this!" yelled a dark-haired woman with frightening blue eyes. "The king will have your head on a platter soon enough!"
"And if he fails?" snapped the woman’s captor, rubbing his grubby hands together.
"If he fails, Eli will send someone to save me," said the short woman in a matter-of-factly tone. "But the king won’t fail. The queen won’t accept failure."
"Is that right? You really think Eli and his God are going to save you? You’re more pitiful than the rest! Besides, if the king uses violence to free you then why would Eli bother saving you?" countered the captor. "It would be very hypocritical of him to rescue your sorry butt, don’t you think?"
The woman’s ice blue eyes bore into him. "Eli will send someone to save me."
Virgil whistled as he aimlessly wandered through the Athens marketplace. His dark blue eyes traveled from one cart to another, resting on a stand selling a newspaper called The Greek Times. "Hm…" The tall scratched his chin. "Hey, gimme one of those!" he called, tossing the cart tender a dinar.
In return, a heavy papyrus bundle smacked Virgil right in the face, sending him to the ground with the newspaper fluttering to land in front of him, face up.
"’Princess Penelope, daughter of the respected Queen Diana, has been captured by the warlord Zerugus. Zerugus demands all of the king and queen’s assets, including rule over their army and use of their crops for feeding his army. Specially trained Athenian warriors plan to breach Zerugus’s defenses and get the princess back,’" the poet read out loud. He sat up and clutched the newspaper to read the last line of the article. "’Zerugus also demands that all Elijans be cast out of the kingdom. I’ve got to find Eve!"
Virgil stood up, turned around, and ran headlong into a pole.
THUMP!
"…and on your right you’ll see an unconscious man who has, apparently, run straight into a pole," said a man who was leading a Celtic tourist group. The group ‘oohed’ and ‘awed’ at the sight of a Greek knocked out cold, and then moved on. "Now, ahead and to your left is a bar that serves refreshments, food and other specialty items…"
Virgil groaned and opened his eyes. "Oh, my head," he muttered. The tall man looked around dreamily, and then sat up. "Wait…where am I? Where’s my shirt?"
The poet was sitting on a bed in a tiny room with only three pieces of furniture: the bed, a dresser, and a fluffy armchair. His shirt was strung outside a window on a thin clothes line, high over the heads of the patrons.
"Wha?" he mumbled. Moving to the window, Virgil began to reel his shirt back in. Some under tunics fell off… occasionally landing on the head of a passerby, and then he finally got his shirt back. Before he could slip it on, the door opened and gasp was heard.
Standing there, dressed in a way outdated dress, a greasy apron, and wooden shoes, was Eve. She smiled warmly at Virgil and kicked off her shoes. "Oh, you’re awake. Is your head okay? You took a nasty spill next to the news cart. Why, it took me my whole lunch break just to get you inside." She turned away from him with a blush. "I’m sorry to have walked in on you without your shirt." The blush crept down her neck.
Virgil looked at her funny. Her clothes were different, but that was exceptional since she bad been traveling so much. She had a slight accent now, but maybe she was practicing for faraway lands. She was shy about seeing a man with his shirt off? That was bit strange… but it didn’t seem she was acting too weird.
"No problem about the shirt," he said then slipped it on and scratched his head before continuing, "Hey, did you hear about that warlord capturing Princess Penelope and keeping her hostage?"
Eve nodded. "Of course I did! The men down in the tavern have been talking about it all day, but I dare not give them some of my input."
"Riiiight," said Virgil, scratching the back of his neck. "Well, I think you should do something about it. He’s one of those guys who doesn’t believe in Eli and his God. Don’t you think you could do some boring, preaching thingy to straighten him out?"
Eve blushed. "Well… I’m a bit shy about talking to warlords and them fightin’ types… but do ya think I should?"
Virgil rolled his eyes. Shy around warlords and fighters…ha, ha, she must be mocking my intelligence. Oh well. "Of course you should go! You’re the most faithful Elijan I know and you’d be great for the job of persuading him to let the princess go! You’re wonderful in front of groups of people."
"I dunno…it seems awfully dangerous, don’t it?"
"Yeah, but you’ve done dangerous before."
"I suppose I have." She paused. "Okay, I’ll do it!"
"Go for it!" supported Virgil.
Eve kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks for the motivation! I’ll be on my way—"
"Oy, I need some more ale down ‘ere!" called a deep voice from downstairs.
"—as soon as I finish my job for today," said the woman with a sigh. She looked up at Virgil, who was just staring at her, and smiled. "Thanks, Cutie. I’ll see you later?"
"Yeah, sure," mumbled Virgil.
Eve disappeared down the stairs.
Virgil scratched his head. At this rate, scratching his scalp so much was gonna make him bald at the age of thirty. "’Cutie’? Riiiight," he said again. "She kissed me? Riiight…"
Zerugus stuffed some chicken and bread in his mouth, downing it with some wine and rudely wiping his face with the back of his wrist. "Ah… this is the life," he said, looking up at his prisoner, who was in shackles and now scantily dressed. He tugged on the chains attached to her neck, wrists, and ankles. "Guards. Give the nice lady some grapes." He grinned through his bushy beard at the blue-eyed woman. "You’ll have a great time feeding them to me.
Penelope gave him a disgusted look. "I’d die first."
The warlord pushed her to the ground and grabbed her hair. "That can be arranged, princess!" he screamed.
Virgil picked up some apples and held them out, judging the weight. "I’ll take… this one," he said, gesturing to the fruit in his left hand. He gave the shopkeeper a dinar and went on his way, chewing the apple as he did.
As the tall man read the rest of his newspaper and munched on his apple, he stopped and looked up at the sun. "I bet a swim would feel really nice about now," he thought out loud. Folding up his newspaper and jamming the apple between his upper and lower teeth, the man ventured out of the city walls.
Virgil stripped down to nothing but a loincloth and dove into the deep river, the icy coldness relieving the heat of the day. He came up for a breath and sighed with relief, wiping the water from his face. Just for fun, he swam a few laps and rested on top of a half-submerged log.
After a few minutes, the tall man grew hot once again and decided to have a little fun.
"It’s the Greek Olympics and Virgil, son of Joxer the Mighty, is going to try and impress the ladies with a sweet dive. What he’ll do is do a front flip, spin around 360 degrees, and then perform a perfect swan dive into the water. Let’s see how it goes," said Virgil to himself, acting like a reporter at the Olympics. He climbed up a nearby waterfall—only about twenty feet high—and stood on the edge. "Here he goes!" The poet hurled himself off the cliff.
He got through the front flip and the 360… but then he bumped his arm on the wall of the waterfall, went spiraling out of control, and was unconscious by the time he reached the bottom.
Virgil, having a serious case of déjà vu, groaned in pain as he opened his eyes to the setting sun. Now, instead of in a tiny tavern room, he was lying on the cool grass with water gently lapping at his feet. He groaned again and rolled so that he was facing away from the water, gasping as he saw Eve again. "Eve? What’re you doing here?"
"Meditating," she replied with a frown, her face clenching up irritably.
"Glad you changed your clothes. Those shoes were kinda weird for a Greek girl," said Virgil, wondering why she wasn’t as chatty as she had been. He eyed her green outfit and nice sandals, grateful he didn’t have to look at that old dress and greasy apron.
Eve opened one eye and looked at him weird, then down at her feet. "My shoes look fine, thank you very much." She adjusted her feet, which were crossed and resting on the opposite knee in her typical meditation position.
"And what was up with the accent?" he asked curiously.
"Hey, I don’t make fun of the way you talk so shut up!" snapped Eve, opening the other eye and glaring at him.
Virgil frowned. "Are you tired? You weren’t this snippy last time I saw you."
Eve counted to ten to douse her anger and changed the subject. "You really should be more careful. If I hadn’t of passed by then you’d be feeding the fishies by now." He’s a bard…he’s supposed to be talkative…he doesn’t know I need total silence while meditating…don’t be mad, don’t be mad, she reminded herself quickly.
"I never got a chance to thank you for saving me earlier. So now I’m making up for both times. Thank you," he said, holding out his hand.
Eve looked at his hand in surprise. "Um… okay…" She shook it awkwardly and returned to her meditating. What’s he talking about? He must be saying I saved him from the wrath of Gabrielle on that ship in Africa…Gabrielle looked like she was about to clobber him for letting Xena go alone.
"And don’t worry about me wearing practically nothing. I don’t mind," he said, remembering how she had blushed earlier when he had his shirt off.
Eve said nothing. What the hell is up with him? Must’ve hit his head harder than I thought.
"So… why aren’t you stopping Zerugus like you said you would?" asked the poet, sitting up and grabbing his clothes.
The woman opened both eyes and relaxed her position. "Virgil, what would you say if I told you I was going to throw you off the waterfall again if you’re not quiet?" she asked coolly, her blue eyes flashing.
Virgil thought for a moment. "I’d say you’re kidding. You would never do that to me, right?"
Eve went back to meditating.
"Right?"
With a sigh, the woman untangled herself and grinned at him. "Okay, how about we have a nice little contest? First one to break the rules loses and must go down the waterfall and leave the other alone."
Virgil considered her offer. "Done." They shook hands.
"Can we stop now?
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"My eyelids are getting tired."
"No."
Virgil pouted, but never broke his gaze. "My eyes are going to dry out," he whined, trying hard not to blink.
Their staring contest had gone on for at least half an hour, and Eve was obviously enjoying it more than Virgil. She just smiled at him, blue eyes twinkling impishly. "I’m going to have fun sending you over that waterfall."
"No, ‘cause you’re not gonna win," replied the man in a matter of-factly-tone. "In fact, I bet you’re just itching to take a nice blink or look away." A cricket began to chirp. Eve chuckled in spite of herself. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say," she teased, knowing her adversary was on the verge of popping.
"Not…gonna…give…up!" said Virgil defiantly. He squinted, but his eyes didn’t close and they never left Eve’s. They sat in silence for a moment.
"Boo."
Virgil blinked. "No! That was soooooo not fair!" he complained as Eve rolled on the ground laughing. "You’re not supposed to do that!"
"There’s no rules against saying ‘boo’," countered Eve, sitting up and looking at him seriously. She studied him for a second, then couldn’t stand it any longer and cracked up again, throwing her head back triumphantly. "And now… I get to send you down the waterfall."
Virgil looked down and cringed. "It’s… it’s awfully cold, Eve. I would know. I mean, I already fell down it once," he said, stalling.
Eve ignored his statement as she tied the rope holding him up to a branch, creating a makeshift pulley. "I asked you nicely, but nooo, do you ever listen? Nope. You just had to keep talking, didn’t you?"
"Um…I’m a bard! That’s what I do! And if you send me over this cliff, it’ll be hypocritical on your part!" said the man as she placed a candle underneath the rope.
"How so?" called Eve, watching as the candle began to burn away the rope supporting the poet.
Virgil looked down again and gulped. The rope was tied around his waist, supporting him only enough so that he didn’t fall… yet. Eve was now tying the rope above a candle so that it would slowly burn away. He quickly thought of an explanation.
"Well, since you’re the Messenger of Eli, you’re supposed to be a peaceful people-person who doesn’t enjoy harming others. Now, what would your followers think if you didn’t let me down from here peacefully? To follow The Way of Love, you gotta love everyone and be peaceful, too. So let me down, huh?"
Eve grinned evilly, looking worse than a baccae at feeding time. "You want down? Here ya go." She reached for the rope.
Virgil knew immediately he had made the wrong choice of words. "AAAAAH!!!"
Eve clapped her hands together, creating a small cloud of dust, and listened.
"Ah, sweet silence," she said out loud. The messenger sat down on the grass and began to meditate once again.
CLANG… CLANG-CLANG… SCCCRRIIIITCH!
Eve clenched her fists angrily. "What’s up now?" she mumbled. "Can’t a girl get some peace and quiet around here?"
CLANG…KKKKRRRR…CLANG-CLANG!
"Okay, that’s it!" Eve jumped from her spot and looked around. "Who is making all that noise?!"
As if on cue, a legion of soldiers marched by, armor clanking in perfect unison. After about twenty or so rows of fifty men passed, a grand carriage painted purple with beautiful gold banners came into view. Eve was in momentary shock.
"Halt!" said a familiar voice. A man with a scruffy goatee and a jeweled crown resting on his head leaned out the window. "There you are! You had me worried sick!" he said, smiling at the woman.
Eve’s mouth dropped to her toes. "Virgil? Virgil, where did you get all this stuff? And that goatee looks horrible on you. Take it off," she reached forward and tugged on it. The man in the window almost tumbled out of his carriage and screamed out in pain, but the beard didn’t come off. "Strong glue… what’s your secret?" asked Eve, letting go of his face.
Virgil, his face red with anger, straightened the crown resting upon his head. "What is wrong with you, sister? Come, get inside the carriage so I can take you home! Mother is worried sick about you!"
Eve stepped back. "Okay, now you’re scaring me. I don’t have a home anymore, remember? And Mother agreed not to worry about me because I’m a ‘big girl’ now and can take care of myself, remember? Did you hit your head again?"
A pause. "Right…Okay, sister, since you obviously don’t need my help, I’ll let you go home alone. Here’s a horse in case you run into trouble," said the man. He gesturing to a slave walking behind the carriage and a beautiful bay trotted up to Eve.
"He’s beautiful! How did you manage? It must’ve cost a lot of money!" exclaimed Eve, rubbing the horse’s dark nose.
The man shook his head as if disappointed. "I hope you remember how to get home, my dear sister. You obviously don’t remember anything else. Go!" The huge army and following horses began moving again, leaving Eve bewildered and admiring her new horse.
She smiled warmly at the animal. "Hey, big guy. You seem like a nice fellow." The stallion nuzzled her neck affectionately. "Hm… what do I call you, huh?" It shook its great head and whinnied happily. "What’s that supposed to mean?" The woman paused. "I know. I’ll call you Slick. When I was a little girl I had a horse named Slick that looked just like you." She rubbed the stallion’s nose.
Virgil pulled himself from the water with a groan. "Last time I ever try and make nice with a woman," he muttered painfully. Collapsing on the ground, the man rolled onto his back and looked up at the dark sky. "Hmm… you can see Mars tonight." His dark blue eyes traveled the sky, identifying the different constellations.
A loud crash alerted him to a presence. Virgil jumped to his feet, grabbing his father’s sword, and held it up protectively.
"Okay, who—who’s there?"
"OW… aw…damn it, that hurt!"
Virgil’s dark blue eyes grew wide as a figure stumbled out from behind a tree. "Dad?"
"Darned armor… cheap soup strainer…" Joxer kicked a piece of metal off his leg and brushed himself off, then looked up. "Oh, yeah right." The ghost held his hands up and turned his voice to a monotone. "Son! I have coooome tooooo telll yooouuu of a greeaaaat baaaaaattle soooon to coooome!"
Virgil crossed his arms. "Dad, quit with the acting."
Joxer poked out his bottom lip. "Aw, son, can’t you humor me? I’m just trying to play the part of the tortured spectre."
"No."
"Okay fine… anyway, I was sent here by that Eli dude to tell you that you’re about to embark on a ‘self-defining’ journey, as he called it. So, basically, you’re gonna discover yourself… blah, blah, blah… and find your one true love. Like in one of Gabby’s love story scrolls." He straightened his so-called ‘helmet.’
"You don’t remember what he said, do you, Dad?" accused Virgil with a grin.
"Well… no. But he said something like that!" defended his father. He opened his arms. "Come ‘ere, son!"
Virgil embraced the ghost, whom felt surprisingly solid, and wiped some tears from his eyes. "I’ve missed you so much, Dad!"
"Yeah, I’ve missed you too. But I only got so much time and Eli can get testy when I break too many things in the Realm of the Living. Take care of your mom for me, huh?"
"Sure."
"And say ‘hi’ to Gabby?" Virgil nodded. "Well… that’s about it. I better get going. Love ya son."
"Love you too, Dad!" said Virgil.
Joxer turned around and ran face-first into a tree. "Oh…ow…I broke my nose! Again! That’s gotta be at least the thousandth time since I’ve been dead!"
Virgil laughed as the ghost disappeared in a flash of light. "See ya, Dad."
Eve, riding her new stallion, ducked some tree branches. The stars twinkled above her, going out one by one as the sun peeked over the horizon. The icy wind whipped through her dark hair and cooled her face as she rode. She reveled in the feeling, which she hadn’t felt in so long. Soon, she came to the edge of a deep valley. She dismounted Slick and wandered to the edge. A gasp escaped her lips as she looked down into the valley.
"Zerugus’s camp."
TBC
Questions? Comments? Complaints? (Which will be dealt with accordingly ^_^) Please send them to QTPIECHKA@aol.com. Thanks!
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