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NEWS MASHED OR BROILED Our staff was in deep denial that our own momma, Adrian, had not come out of cryogenic freezing with her wits intact. Alas, after submitting her through various battery tests involving Teletubbies, Barney, and Pokemon we were finally forced to accept the knowledge that Adrian isn't the woman she used to be. Though her brain may be mashed at this moment our physicians believe that time spent in a Gama Radiation Tube will broil her brains enough to at least allow her to communicate on a chimp's level. Though it will take some time, for her to communicate at a level above that of a cat's, the White Room staff is confident that with enough time, patience, and some tuna as a bribe Adrian will finally be able to disclose to our reporters what it was like to be frozen and brought back. Beyond the blanket statement she uttered when brought into the MedLab - 'It was bloody cold'. Get well soon Adrian. We'll have your scratch post ready for you when you need it. STALKER ALERT It has come to the attention of the Room staff that our own Nikita is currently being stalked by one of Sections' L4 ops. This operative has been so covert that not only has he been able to keep continual tabs on her happenings inside and out of Section but has even published his stalking journals online via a pseudo website under the name Peta Wilson - The Site. Our reporters have visited the site lately and though they must admit that it is an exemplary site they were a bit subdued in the fact that it is one of the few good sites out there dedicated to our Nikita. For all of those would-be Nikita stalkers wanting to know how to do it right go and check out Peta Wilson - The Site and see for your own eyes how to stalk with the big boys. Editors Disclaimer: No actual stalking has occurred in relation to the previous article but it sure would make things more interesting ATTACK OF THE KILLER SCISSORS Once upon a time the White Room staff reported on the untimely hair loss of a few high level ops. A few carried it off well while others didn't. Luckily our fave op, Nikita, was able to elude the pragmatic Section barbers up until recently. Reports have come through that after her brainwashing Nikita willingly went under the candy-stripped light and subjected herself to the cruel and unnecessary torture of the Z64 scissors. This new device not only ensures that a haircut goes wrong but also renders the victim's perception of the haircut as a positive. Despite our best efforts the staff has been unable to persuade Nikita that her shag do is not the most flattering haircut to be seen. When one of our reporters asked Michael what he thought of the new look he could only respond with this: "It's different. Can't say I like it but at least it'll grow back. It will grow back, right?" Our staff could only nod their heads and pray. Y2K(aput) One of our reporters have uncovered the real truth on how Adrian was able to escape from Section One after being frozen cryogenicly. Despite the official word of Michael being the instigator of her escape the White Room has discovered that it was not Michael but Section's own web of technology that enabled Adrian to thaw and walk out the front door. Upon the switch over to the 2000 date Section's main server responded by assuming it was 1900 and shut down all automated machinery from levels 10 through 19. This allowed the cryostorage units to warm up to room temperature thus bringing dear Adrian back from the dead. The subsequent breakdown of the server's routines also enabled Adrian to walk out by being recognized, not as the Mother of Section, but Mother Goose. When Birkoff asked how such a mistake could happen in this day and age of Section's advanced technology he could only reply with "oops". Thankfully the mistake was corrected eventually and we are all glad that everything is back to normal now. Sidenote: Due to the failure Operations has decreed that all operatives must pass a basic date recognition test to determine any possible abeyance ratings. For those that are unsure what is to be expected the White Room staff are offering the answer to the test. The answer is a two must be in the front, not one-nine. |
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